Dear FanFic "Writers"

This is not to those who are actually good at writing FanFics. I want you to understand right now that I enjoy a good FanFic. In fact I've attempted to write a few and failed miserably. So I do not publish them. Thank God.

Now.

Dear Fanfic Writers... --no let me try that again.

Dear FanFic "I'm-Attempting-to-Write-a-Story" writers.... No, that's not right either.

Dear FanFic-- 
...no.

Dear "I was really drunk (or high) this one time and I read (skimmed/Wiki'd/pointed at random words in) this story that I thought sounded really cool (so much so I wanted to rape the main character) so I re-wrote the story to how I think it should have been written (of course with me as the main character now) so tell me what you think but don't be mean cuz that isn't cool" writers... Yeah, that accurately sums it up.

Stop. Just stop right now. I don't think you know what you've done to the literary world (or my soul). You have literally written something that your intestines should have killed you for. Your computer should have committed seppuku. What your “writing” has done has made my soul leap from my body, leave the room, go into the kitchen, and make itself a very stiff drink from my liquor cabinet. 

I wish I were joking. Now I'm all out of ouzo.

Hopefully, either the person who wrote "My Immortal" was a Trolling literary genius or else they're someone who needs to be taken out back and shot right now. I will buy the bullet for you, if you are willing to save anyone the trouble. If you are the former, I wish to give you a hug.

As for the writer of the atrocity known as "FaCe ThE StRaNgE", please--go see Darwin immediately. He will be blown away by the fact that someone so ridiculously idiotic survived past the age or two when you've been investigating everything with your mouth. Dallas, please tell me that you're really some old fat guy in your mother's basement, eating Funyuns, face covered with pimples the size of the town you've named yourself after... because if you're not, I'll be pretty floored. 

You spelled Edward wrong in the first line. You are writing some horrific attempt at your own wet dream where a demon and vampire fight for your love while a Hedgehog of questionable origins makes friends with you. And during all this, where are you? None other than Hogwarts! And let's not forget who Dally Darkblood's mom is: none other than Mystique from X-Men! Best mom ever. Good thing Dally didn't inherit the blue skin-- it'd look so tacky with the black and red streaks, which is the coolest look ever and means she's totally dark and gothic so everyone will want to be her friend OMG.

The main reason I'm holding out hope that Dallas is really some fat guy in his basement who is going to get tons of lulz from this post one day is the character sheet they submitted. My favorite part is the screenshots Dallas took of Word, red underlines and all. Word doesn't like the name 'Sasuke Uchiha', apparently. Oh wait--did I not mention that Sasuke is in this too? And Link! What a party. And what major train wreck is complete without Dallas' RLFFs (that's Real Life Friends Forever). They're in the story, too. Although, that was hardly a surprise, Dally being a complete self-insert, anyway.

So let's revisit the facts. Dally is not only a vampire, but also a witch and a mutant--an extra special mutant. Beyond just having dear mommy's powers, she also heals really fast. Is anyone else looking for the cyanide pills? Because I can't do this anymore. It really hurts me to have to keep looking at this thing, just to see what else is so painfully wrong with it. Here, readers, know my pain:

Character List

That, my friends, is one of the nicer things I have read in my travels across the internet. There are worse things out there. That's right--worse things out there. I don't want to name them on here. In fact, to spare every one of you the mental trauma, I won't.

However, if you do try reading the story linked above, I commend you, soldier. I can't help but ask what Jack Skellington is doing in a story about Hogwarts. And why is Cedric alive while Umbridge teaches there? This whole concept is painful. It's like someone took all the source materials and threw them in a wood chipper before defecating on them and lighting them on fire. At some point they started cackling manically and skipped off with the sorting hat. They then proceeded to take the sorting hat to the nearest waste reclamation facility and washed it very carefully before taking a needle and thread to it's gaping mouth.