Interview by Nathan O.
Whether or not you've seen his much-talked-about appearance on America's favorite show “It’s Morning Time,” or read his bestselling autobiography "Make Food, Not Love,” Chef Blorf Tart has exploded into a cultural phenomenon that is sweeping the nation. I recently had a chance to interview Chef Blorf about this new book--Blorf Tart’s Dollar Menu Cookbook--and was lucky enough to get some new recipes that are now a web-first EG exclusive!
N: I’d like to start by saying thank you for coming--and also, thank you for such a wonderful cookbook.
B: Well, you’re welcome. It is one of my better books.
N: Yes. It’s rather remarkable. Where did you get the idea for a cookbook where all the ingredients came off a fast food dollar menu?
B: Well, I was traveling on a signing tour for my last book, “See, Eat, Repeat.” I often found myself stopping at fast food restaurants to eat. So as I was doctoring my food one night, the idea struck me and here we are.
N: Do you normally doctor the food from other restaurants?
B: Yes, I think it’s important to modify anything I get at an outside restaurant. It’s essential to my creative process and usually aggravates the chef overseeing the kitchen. Sometimes it gets me banned from from eating at a particular restaurant, but I don’t think I'd enjoy eating as much if I stopped doing it.
N: That sounds very interesting.
B: Thank you. I like to make a point to act as Head Chef even when I’m not in my own flagship restaurant.
N: You're referring to the "Blorf Tarts' American Diner?"
B Yes... only it’s the "Diner of Americana & Food."
N: Sorry. So why "Americana & Food?"
B: No, it’s all right. It’s a common question. It’s because, as Americans, we take ownership of what we deem to be American foods. My grandfather called it the Diner of Americana & Food because we hold Americana in higher esteem than the actual food we’re eating. So he put the word Americana first in the name. I never felt like changing it--too much brand recognition you know?
N: Um, yeah. What else can you tell us about the book?
B: Well, it contains over 175 recipes, all made from ingredients found off the dollar menu of 12 different fast food restaurants. It has a special chapter on those samples they give away at the supermarket. There's also a section of blank pages in the back so you can write down your own fast food recipes and hand them down to your children or loved ones or what have you.
N: That’s very nice. Do the ingredients include free comments?
B: They do, along with prep tips and various ways to re-imagine fast food on site and at home.
N: Who would have guessed fast food could be so flexible?
B: Yes, it really is a remarkable book.
N: How much does it cost?
B: It costs $95.99, and it’s available at all major booksellers and your favorite Big Box store.
N: One last question?
B: Sure.
N: I was curious. About your head. Is it really a toaster pastry?
B: Yes. Cherry, actually. Would you like to try?
N: Yes, thank you.
At this point Chef Blorf was kind enough to break off a portion of his face.
N: It’s quite delicious.
B: Thanks. That is what people have always told me.
N: Have you ever tried it?
B: No, I haven't, but, well... may I?
I handed back what was left of Chef Blorf’s right cheek.
B: Mmmm. Yes, I see what they mean. That does taste rather good.
As promised, here are two exciting recipes from Chef Blorf Tart’s brand new book featuring ingredients from everyone's favorite fast food fun fair: McDonald's.
Blorf Tart’s Ice Cream Cookie Sandwich
Just like that Ice Cream sandwich cookie you used to dig out of a shady gas station freezer.
Ingredients:
2 chocolate chip cookies
1 vanilla ice cream cone
Preparation:
Just sandwich the main mass of the ice cream in between the two cookies and
enjoy. You can save the ice-cream-filled cone for later or simply throw it away.
Preparation:
Just sandwich the main mass of the ice cream in between the two cookies and
enjoy. You can save the ice-cream-filled cone for later or simply throw it away.
Grandma's hometown Mc GangBang
Sometimes, you just can’t mess with a classic; but if you're like Chef Blorf Tart, you’ll find substituting cheddar cheese for the classic American perfectly complements the delicious Mc Gangbang you've known and loved for years.
Ingredients: Optional Prep:
1 Mc Chicken sub. cheddar cheese
1 Mc Double for classic American.
Preparation:
Bisect your hot and juicy McDouble along the center of its mass, then unceremoniously drop the McChicken into the newly-created space in between the two beef patties. Compress with the open palm of your hand. Feel shame and enjoy.
This humor article is a work of fiction.
McDonald's, McDouble, McChicken, are owned by McDonald's Corporation.
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